Douchebag VS The World
by Strawberry Song
Summary: It was simple, really: Douchebag liked Kyle. If that meant playing some stupid game, beating up hobos and 6th graders, and getting a stick just to get Kyle's attention, then you can bet that he was willing to do it. Crackshipping nonsense. Takes place during The Stick of Truth.


**Note: This is one of the dumbest ideas I've ever had. This chapter turned out way more serious than I had intended for it to be.**

**Suggestions are welcome.**

**Expect character OOC-ness and The Stick of Truth spoilers**

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><p>South Park. At first, the little mountain town seemed like a nice little place for Douchebag and his family to move to. The town itself seemed relatively quiet, and the people didn't look like hideous mutants. That feeling didn't last long, however, as weird things started happening to Douchebag the day he and his family finished unpacking.<p>

The day had started normally enough, with his parents coming into his room and asking him if he remembered why they had moved. Of course he had, how the hell could he possibly forget? Douchebag opted not to answer his parents, because he knew his mom would get upset. After his dad, in a rather dick-like fashion, kicked him out of the house, Douchebag decided to get to know the kids in town… And got dragged into some stupid Dungeon and Dragons roleplay in the process.

...Which is how he ended up getting stuck with the name 'Douchebag'. Granted, it could've been worse. At least he didn't get stuck with the name 'Cocksucker' or 'Stupid Fag'.

The rest of his first day in South Park, though, had been total shit. He'd been sent on a wild goose chase around town, almost killed by some assholes running a meth lab, pepper-sprayed in the eyes so hard he barfed, and then he got kidnapped by some aliens who violated his poor ass. Not to mention all the illegal shit he had done that day, like delivering cocaine to a coffee shop or beating up a cop.

His second day in South Park... Well, it had been alright so far. The dumb Stick of Truth had apparently been taken in the middle of the night, which had sent Cartman into a frenzy that Douchebag found hilarious. Of course, since it was Cartman, he had sent whoever was nearest to him to do his dirty work for him. That oh-so-lucky person happened to be our astounding hero Douchebag, who was currently sitting in the park taking a break from whatever Cartman had sent him to do.

Douchebag was now currently flipping through the contacts on his phone, listing off the people he had recently added and their personality traits in his mind. Cartman was a racist asshole who had dragged him into the damn game, Tweek was a nervous wreck, Craig had virtually no emotions, Scott's personality seemed to revolve around his diabetes for whatever reason, and Kenny… Well, he was a huge pervert, if the Playboy magazines Douchebag found sitting in his satchel had been any indication. Out of all the kids, Butters was probably Douchebag's favorite so far, just because he was the nicest of the bunch. His naivety grated on Douchebag's nerves a bit, but he took what he could. That handicapped kid… What was his name? Timmy? Or was it Jimmy? He seemed kind of cool, even though Douchebag was positive the kid hated him because Cartman made him beat the crap out of him.

"Hey, Douchebag! There you are!" Douchebag glanced up from where he was standing, to see Butters running towards him. "I've been lookin' everywhere for ya!"

Douchebag inwardly winced as he suddenly remembered the mission Cartman had sent him on: Recruit the Goths to help defeat the asshole elves. He couldn't help but wonder if the elves really were assholes… or if Cartman was just pulling lies out of his ass.

"Eric sent me to find you 'cuz you were taking so long…" Butters continued, "He said you better hurry up, or else. I'm not really sure what the 'or else' thing is, though. He just kinda shouted at me when I asked."

Douchebag sighed as he walked up to Butters, handing him a list of things the Goth kids had required him to get. Scribbled down in crude handwriting were three things: Cigarettes, coffee, and Goth clothes. Douchebag had already gotten two of the three items; The cigarettes were stolen from some 6th graders he had knocked out in the alleyway of Jimbo's, and the Goth clothes were bought from some creepy old dude by the storage buildings. Douchebag had the feeling the guy was secretly either a pedophile or hooker, but he really didn't feel like getting himself involved in _that_.

"Cigarettes… Wonder where you got those?" Butters mumbled to himself as he read off the list. "Looks like all you need is coffee. Well gosh, I can help you get that! Follow me!"

Douchebag gave the blonde boy a nod as he followed him towards the coffee shop. He actually already knew where the coffee shop was, but if Butters was willing to buy the coffee for him, then he was all for the kid's ridiculous banter. Cartman had already made him waste enough of his money as it was. "Y'know… I think a couple of the girls have a crush on you, Douchebag! At least... That's what Kenny said. I think he was spyin' on the girls again."

Douchebag frowned. If he had to guess, one of the girls was probably Annie, since he had rescued her from a couple bullies the other day. Lola was probably the other one, since she seemed genuinely impressed at how popular he was on his first day in South Park. They seemed like nice enough girls, although Lola felt slightly manipulative, but Douchebag had no interest in dating either of them. It's not that he wasn't into in girls at all… It's just that nobody in particular had caught his eye.

"All right Douchebag, we're here. You can just go ahead and stay outside, I'll buy the coffee for you." Butters gave Douchebag a cheesy grin before walking inside Tweek Bros, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

His peace and quiet only lasted a couple seconds, unfortunately for Douchebag, because a group of elves who probably thought they were total badasses popped out of the bushes and ambushed him. Well… shit.

"New Kid! The elf king has requested your presence! You can either come quietly, or you can fight."

Douchebag thought for a moment. He had no idea who the elf king even was, let alone where their kingdom was. Curiosity got the better of him, and after a moment of thinking it through, he dropped his weapon to the ground.

"You made the right choice, New Kid," one of the elves said as they led Douchebag away. Douchebag mentally crossed his fingers and hoped that the elf was right.


End file.
